2024-12-17 - Believe me I’m a liar - Cutting Tofu
Did I ever have anything to say? It’s a lie, it’s not a lie. It’s the truth, but not the whole truth. I only want to say the things that will give me the nod; everything that comes out of my mouth mean nothing. My words are empty, hollowed out like my soft skeleton. I sit up straight lest I am beaten by a metre stick to the spine. Don’t slouch, dear, it isn’t becoming of you. I’m here, what now? Am I still allowed? I am waiting with bated breath.
I never had anything to say, so I’ll say anything.
Spending the holidays with family, between eating and sleeping too much, I
sometimes sneak in a few moments on the computer to listen to music and tackle
a few curiosities, but otherwise, I'm trying to keep off the keyboard.
2024-12-12 - Great expectations - Cutting Tofu
It bothers me a bit, that I am not what you think I am. I feel as though I’ve failed you, and the guilt is gnawing at me, slowly eating me whole. Your excitement makes me nervous; please don’t hold your breath. I can already hear the disappointment in your voice.
When you forgot who I was I thought my world was crumbling, but I saw myself reflected in your eyes and I swore for a moment I saw you behind the fog. My heart is telling me it’s easy, but I’m afraid of making wishes that never come true.
You told me, “It’s safe to hope,” — did you mean it? I didn’t even try. I just want to rest in your words and everything will be all right.
2024-12-11 - Forgive me for I have sinned - Cutting Tofu
Oh God, Oh God
My God, My God
I love and I hate
I’ve sinned,
I’m a sinner
Give me a cross with wings
Instead of this crown of thorns
As I beat my own back
Blood running down to my feet
Jesus died
While I saved
This last moment
Photo-finished,
Crucified on my throne
Ah, it’s full of stars.
I spent part of November updating my page on diagramming languages, improving my knowledge and learning about a new one. Haven't done much with any of them lately, but it's a good skill to have.
Another thing I did lately was to bring over some links about interactive fiction and roleplaying games from my other site (as part of a cleanup over there). Those sections don't get enough love most of the time, so the refresh is welcome.
Then December rolled over, and national elections turned into a big ugly mess, that makes previous debacles seem tame. Oh well, at least we have a new parliament, for what it's worth. Once the spirits calm down, we'll see.
(That, and two deaths in the family happened literally a week apart. If I sound even more distraught than usual, this is why.)
To end on a positive note, I picked up yet another creative tool to play with and make nice stuff in a new medium. It's the second time this autumn, and helps a lot with morale. Can't wait to show off some stuff once I figure out the best way to do it. Cheers.
November feels like an endless road in my memory. Alongside my neverending book pile, reading manga has become a nightly ritual over the month, providing much-needed escapism after long days. I finally got around to binging Uramiya Honpo, a series I've been wanting to re-read for ages.
Work was hard as always, with endless meetings and decisions weighing heavily on my shoulders. But home life provided balance - precious moments with my little one, family time, and occasional periods of rest. Even so, there's no denying: Burnout is here.
The best part of the month was finally releasing the Diablo Tribute album on BandCamp. Despite the setback with the cassette tape scam I got into, seeing so many enjoy it made me smile. I still plan on making the cassettes a reality.
My creative flow continues stagnant, yielding nothing I find noteworthy. However, I've accepted this lull, recognizing that inspiration will return when it's ready.
Back from Seattle, where I had the immense pleasure of sharing a few days
with kind, passionate and most of all wonderful
individuals, some I had crossed paths with already, others, new faces that I am
now looking forward to see once more. Evenings were busied with conversations
that felt as easy as picking up where we might have left off despite not having
seen each other for years, or even when meeting for the first time.
I was curious to see whether using creative storytelling to give a talk about computation would resonate with the Handmade
attendees, fortunately, based on what echoed late into the night within the
halls of the Mediterannean Inn, above tables covered with zines and whiteboards ornate with hastily scribbled rewrite rules, most people got it. I hope that
my loveletter to the work of Borges, Conway and Wryl, will be an invitation to
explore the space of rewriting, while remaining critical of the trajectory of
computing.
Stuck in the middle of things are happening, outcomes are uncertain, and I can't talk about it. Not the worst place to be in, but then, well, that's not exactly easy to write a compelling journal around, is it?
I've heard that "infrastructure teams run on hope." That goes for people who make tools for a living and as a hobby. I suspect this goes for all creators on some level, with substantial variation in what that hope is.
This website appears to have become Write in Blood, inconsistently veering between fiction and reams of pagination documenting influences from a specific generation of video games. There are worse things to be.
2024-11-22 Stormy seas - a
This past month has been very stormy, and when I say this I mean that the recent weather in the Salish Sea has been a bit crazy of late(lots of 40-60 kt wind days), but also that I am witnessing a real life Idiocracy in the making. It's not all bad though, it was a very productive month!
ART. I illustrated some Atlantic Salmon and a Sea Louse for a presentation at MASTS's Annual Science Meeting about the effects of salmon farms on the wider ecosystem. The drawings will also appear in the accompanying paper! It is my first time contributing to a scientific paper, and that's pretty neat (I was even assigned an Erdős number).
Rabbit Waves was announced officially! I've since released two more pages, one about Morse Code and another on using flags to signal Morse Code. The project was well received, I got a lot of good comments. Devine & I put a lot of care into making the website accessible to people with screen readers (thank you Rembrand for your helpful feedback on this).
BOOKS. This month I've been reading yet another Arthur Conan Doyle book aloud to Devine, The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes. As always, it is a very entertaining read. I enjoy that perpetrators are not always prosecuted, sometimes people commit crimes out of desperation, or are victims of an unfortunate series of events, Holmes, despite collaborating with officials, is a very fair man(a rare quality).
TRICKS. I use YouTube often but I despise the interface, but I found a solution! I installed Untrap, a Firefox add-on. I turned off suggested videos, shorts, likes, comments, and tons of others buttons and distraction-ware on mine. My homepage is now just a blank page with a search bar — total bliss!
I stitched a pair of arm warmers for myself and for Devine to keep our hands warm. I used to wear arm warmers all the time as a teen, but never thought of making my own until now.
MENTAL HEALTH. I added a page on my site called happynothappy, which is just a very simple way to track how I feel from day to day. It would be more beneficial to track reasons as to why I feel a certain way on certain days, but for now I just want to keep it simple, otherwise I run the risk of abandoning the whole endeavour. Rostiger made their own version of my very basic tracker, which is a thousand times superior to mine, hehe!
MOVIES. I saw the Rocky Horror Picture Show for the first time ever at the Vic Theater on October 27th. Of course, having never seen the film, most of the memes were lost on me, but thankfully I had read about what to expect so it was not too shocking to receive pieces of cooked toast and rice on my head. Tim Curry is absolutely brilliant in this role! He has such an amazing command of his expressions, it is evident that he has a background in theater. Luckily, I can watch the film again and again on my own because it is available for download on archive.org.
I also watched 2 french comedies I hadn't previously seen: 3 Hommes et Un Couffin by Coline Serreau(same person who directed the amazing La Belle Verte), and Bienvenue chez les Ch'tis by Dany Boon. The storylines of both films were predictable, but still very enjoyable(more so than their English counterparts).
QUOTESIf you think technology will solve your problems, you don’t understand technology — and you don’t understand your problems.
A quote by Laurie Anderson
CALL TO ACTION Trans people in the US are not likely to get support now that the orange man is back in power, and it is likely that some of the rhetoric will spill over our side of the border. There are many organizations that exist to improve queer, trans, and Two-Spirit lives in Canada. You can find organizations in your area using the Rainbow Action Hub on Egale's website. I've recently donated a binder to Qmunity in Vancouver.
If you recall, I recently shared Given and C.C.'s gofundme page, their funding target was reached and the campaign has ended, but they still need help. They will continue to share updates on Kofi, support them there if you can.
ARTICLES I READ AND LIKED
GREAT WEBSITES/PROJECTS
- Guerilla Girls, the website of the anonymous artist activists & feminists known as the Guerilla Girls.
- Zine Club, sign up to receive zines and/or mystery objects, handcrafted by multimedia artist Paloma Kop, in the mail.
- RJ, a re-enactment of Hanna Weiner's flag semaphore version of Romeo and Juliet.
